Memo# 29 : Message From Hell!!

I receive a weird SMS today from someone I haven't heard from in a couple of months.
Catching me completely by surprise, I thought the sun was knocked off balance creating confusion among the normal Earth dwellers and we were being invaded by hellspawn

For the subject of the message was only someone completely neurotic could understand.
I warn you dear readers-consisting of the two of you- to not be drinking any liquids at the moment for what you are about to read may shock and leave you dumbfounded.

I present you

Message From Hell's Secretary:

Mary wn i tell u...she lik u...jz play v u n she wn play yr feeling only...n she oso like othr gal...bcz yr $, she jz wn v u...n she gt bf liao.u nt nid scare her

From what I can tell, hell uses a completely different language from what we Earth dwellers use.
Aside that, Hell's Secretary must have failed her TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) many times coz I completely didn't understand

Is anybody here a competent linguists ? Aside from me who was left dumbfounded.
...
...
...
2 hours later
...
...
According to my research team who are professors in Language of Hell and Retardism ..these are what they deciphered..I shall extract each phrase to better understand the message:

Mary wn i tell u - I think this means.. this is mary's one..i am asserting this is Mary's one to you
she lik u - i think this is .. she lick me..i don't remember being licked by a spawn of the underworld
jz play v u n she wn play yr feeling only- there are many single letters..this is a little hard
hmm..it could mean she is playing her feelings this year (yr)
she oso like othr gal-she's lesbian
bcz yr $- BisCuitZ your dollar ...omg.. a dollar for 1 biscuit?? damn hell's currency is high
she jz wn v u- she likes jazz want we you
n she gt bf liao - and she has a ButterFly
u nt nid scare her - you not need scare her

This is giving me a headache..i still don't understand after numerous attempts to decipher the message.It's a little blur.

I think hell beings would much rather scare me..but I don't remember scaring anyone except a dog..hmm..

So I sent a reply using the best of my abilities to Hell:

Dear Retard..i mean Mary:

I is hepi u is try fnd me, v dn haf gal pal hr, me dn lik ppl bt only **ss*.
I kum in pz nt scare v u,hop bf is eat lots of lif,hop u ejy play v urself and dn lik 2 much stones..v can kutch kutch kota hei..macha?? dei!

v cnfusion : Hilary

So being rest assured my fears of having the Earth taken over my hellspawns, I went back to sleep